It takes some time and some lessons to really understand accountability. It took me sometime and a lot of mistakes to understand it. My mom always told me I needed to be accountable for my own actions. And I ignored it.

It’s also hard to hold other people accountable especially your friends. Even though it seems like you’re judging or picking on someone by holding them accountable you’re not you’re actually helping them. Being a leader in my recovery home requires me to hold people accountable, and some people are closer than others but tend 2 mess up. Describe how close you are you still need to hold them accountable which I am.

It’s sad to see them leave or even distrust you because you tell on them for their mistakes or inability to follow rules. Something I’ve learned in my recovery is you have to be selfish. I always wanted to be everybody’s best friend, and I’m learning that I can’t. Is actually a good thing for me to be able to hold others accountable and not be afraid to speak up. It’s good for me and it’s good for them.

Today I had to tell on someone, actually tell my instructor, about someone’s Behavior even though they’re close to me and potentially it could get them kicked out but I know I had to do it to follow the rules and make the program work. It’s hard also to be held accountable especially if you don’t accept it. It’s like not being able to handle the truth.

I thought I should update my blog today and write about accountability so here it is. Have a wonderful day




Its finally here. The moment we’ve all been waiting for, a healthier life.

With a Bachelors in Exercise Science, I am happy to finally be taking steps in the right direction, obtaining my certification in personal training.

Somewhat, I am nervous. Its been 8 years since I finished my degree. I have been off and on exercise over during that time. Never really fully shooting after my goals of body building, becoming a druid and shape shifting.

I am still limited, still have a broken foot and arm, and its been like this for over 2 months now. I want to hit the gym so bad, and I do, but its limited to core training.

Funny thing about turning 30, your perspective on life changes, and you really question what your doing, where your going, and how do you want to live out your days. Aging and heartbreak really takes a toll on your ego, and you begin to make changes… well some of us do.

You realize that you don’t live forever. You realize life is passing you by, and your fed up with regrets, and holding off on things you wish you would accomplish.

I’m not sure what exactly obtaining this certification will do for me and my career, but I do know that it is a step in the right direction. I am excited about a fitness change… and fulfilling my potential… one day at a time.

I’m coming to the library everyday to study, spending my hours well, writing, eating healthier, learning new hobbies, learning in general as much as I can, and recovering the best I can.

Hopefully, this time next year, I will be where I want to be, which is financially stable, healthy, happy, mentally, physically, and emotionally, doing things that I love to do, and no longer living in regret, having custody of my daughter, working a career I love, living in a place that I enjoy.

They say that most people that are happy, are the people that help other people.

Before I can help anyone else, I must first help myself. I can do this.




Its been a long time coming.

A decade ago was a time I had been working towards my bachelors in Exercise Science. Graduating in 2012 I had finally achieved a Bachelors in Science with a Minor in Psychology, and I tell you what, I am completely a science, psych, and math nerd.

After graduating I spent the next 5 years in retail sales for health stores, and several years in the Machine Shop as a machinist. I didn’t really have my degree at interest.

After many years of being confused of my purpose, glancing here and there at different oppurtunities, what I could do, I was not mindful of what I already had. Even with a BS degree it does not qualify me for personal training. I had to get a certification to train, and I had always had that on my list with several other goals, but I kept putting it off and forgetting about it.

Now, I’m finally enrolled into a 10 week NASM program to get my certification. Its finally happening. Not only will I receive a certification but they will also help me with job placement, which most likely will be in a bigger city. I am very excited.

Everyday that goes by, I make sure that things are on point, such as my diet, my studies, my hobbies, my responsibilities, and my relationship with my daughter, family, and God. I’m no longer confused, or depressed or insecure of myself. I am driven, by hate of old self, and assumptions, and denial. I refuse to waste any more time with drugs, people, or bad habits. Who cares what they say, let me show you a miracle.

Some, such as my parents, are happy for me that I’m driven, however their distant because they are unsure if I will fall again. Heh, you will see.


The Best Apology is changed behavior


My prayer for you

I may wish that your life were different, that you were wiser, that you used more judgement; I may wish that you were free from burden and care, that you were happier, and that you feel more loved!

I may wish that you would change the course of your life, that you would make a new start in the right direction. I may wish that you were not bound to some destructive behavior; I may wish that you would seek healthier ways, and come under better influence, do something more constructive with your time and talents.

I may wish all of this because I love you, because I care.

However, I must lift my love, and caring above you as a person and look past what I see as needs and lacks in your life to the Lord. I must be willing to place you lovingly in God’s care, to trust God to guide and bless you.

This is my prayer for you


Songs+ What I took the time to note

Chainsmokers _ don’t let me down.

Sia _ unstoppable, never give up, Chandelier, alive, I go to sleep

Eminem I need a doctor, lose yourself, space bound, beautiful, no love, not afraid

Skrillex scary monsters

Lana del Rey – summertime sadness

Tove lo body

Ed Sheehan perfect

Wiz Kale fa – see you again

lucas graham – 7 years

james aurthur – say you wont let go

jason mraz i wont give up

bruno mars – when i was your man

little do you know – alex and sierra

breakeven – the script

let her go – passenger

sam smith – too good at goodbye

The fray – how to save a life

avett brothers – swept away, my heart like a kick drum, I would be sad

Dust in the wind Kansas pick warm-up

Hunger strike temple of the dog. Warm up

post malone – white iversion

Rae Sremmurd – swang

a$ap rocky – fuckin problems

e-40 – choices

Im different – 2 chainz

Hear you me goo goo dolls


The feeling you get when you excel is… satisfying. Not excel in life, because that is very clich√© and not meaningful, but what I mean is excel in everything you do such as…

picking up a guitar every morning just to strum a few strings or chords, not knowing what its going to sound like, but you discover a sound or pattern that new and exciting

finding interest in something you’ve never been interested in before

answering someone’s question with such detail you even surprised yourself

ok with bad gossip about yourself, what others said, of who you were, because you know your going to shove a foot in their mouth with change

muscles tensing with drive and desire to achieve greatness

like a roaring lion breathing a scream of confidence

imagining what you see yourself as, and actually stepping that direction

Hoping, and with faith, knowing, you will learn something new and meaningful to your soul daily

knowing you wont stop, nothing is going to keep you from what you set out to do

Fed up with past waste time and mistakes, carefully planning each step forward, preparing, as if it were a battle 

Never spending too much time on one interest, vigorously spreading interest in interests consistently

Life changing skills

Dreams written down with a date becomes a goal. Goals broken down into steps becomes a plan. Steps followed by action becomes reality

Only way to become successful is to continually move forward reaching your goals and continually establishing new ones.

At some point in your life you were conditioned. Most people at childhood. You can look at your downfalls, relapse, whatever it is, and see that you plateaued, reached a limit where you didn’t progress further. This can be where you were conditioned to reach and don’t know how to move forward.

Me for example, I set goals, such as get a job, get my own place and go to meetings and the gym. I reach this point every time before my downfall. This is where I was conditioned. I reach these goals…. Then what… I fall. I didn’t have any goals set after this

We need to leave that conditioned point in our past and live a new life. You have to want a changed life and recognize that conditioned state and move past it, persevere.

You must continue working towards goals, if you don’t, you will squander around, float, and inevitably quit by spending all your money or relapse, falling back into poverty or old behaviors. Instant gratification with drugs or alcohol is easier than shooting for long-term goals.

Have a list, continual list of things you want to accomplish. Stay focused. Get rid of dead weights, things or people holding you down, or well never achieve greater things. It’s easy to be accepted by people who don’t want to achieve much.

How long are you going to live looking back with regret, or how far do you have to fall before you see things differently and want to change.

Live up to your full potential, create a mental image of what you want yourself to become, and become it